Warm weather is here
It
has made me quite horny
I need to have sex You know it’s serious,
and a desperate attempt at remaining rational, when one resorts to writing a Haiku
to help cope with horniness. But there it is, in plain Haiku English. And it says
everything I have been feeling the last couple of days. Honestly, I’m
not that young anymore. I’ve been out of college for more than four years,
and the old adage about spring turning boys (and girls) fancy to sex seems more
suited to high school (and perhaps college) students. But here I am, ready to
drive by the nearest high school (or college, or construction site) with the convertible
top down, wearing Daisy Dukes, trying to get laid. For those of you living
in the south, or southwest, or somewhere outside of the U.S. that is tropical,
this column might have less meaning. But us east-coast sorts have always had to
deal with this phenomenon. This year, we experienced a horrible winter. Record
snowfall, cold temperatures, and perhaps most significant, very few (if any) warm
weather breaks. Most winters, we at least get a tease of warmer weather throughout
the winter, which might help to keep our hormones somewhat balanced. But this
year, it has pretty much been one long winter. Then suddenly, the cold broke.
And now, we are experiencing temperatures close to 70 degrees. It happened quickly,
and while many of my male friends were seen dusting off their golf clubs and hitting
the driving range, or polishing their cars, my weekend was spent thinking about
getting laid. Not just any method, however. I wanted to be outside somewhere,
on a deserted beach. Or perhaps a park, under the trees. Somewhere where I feel
the breeze and the sunshine, while feeling an artist masterfully playing a concerto
between my legs. Okay, I lied. Right now, I don’t care if it’s in a
dark, dusty trailer or a small studio apartment with no windows. I just need to
get laid. But before I begin my search for my latest prey, I started wondering
whether there was something scientific about why people (and specifically me this
year) get hornier when springtime arrives. Is it some hormonal imbalance? Is it
sociological? Or is it just nature? An extensive Internet search could not
provide me with a stitch of medical evidence that there is any true chemical reason
for the warm weather horny condition. I came across a few lame theories, but none
that had enough support to bother quoting here. I did manage to find a survey
at www.queendom.com, which asked readers, "How does warm weather affect your
sex drive?" The results were rather close between men and women. Among men,
43.5% said it increases, 43.3% said it stays the same, and 13.1% said it decreases.
For the women, 42.1% said it stays the same, 40.2% said it increases, and 17.6%
said it decreases. There was really nothing surprising or earth-shattering among
these results. Related to this, however, I did discover that millions of
people suffer from something known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), where
lower levels of sunlight alter production of brain chemicals and can lead to depression,
among other things. It is widely believed that one of the best cures for this
condition is simply more sunlight, which often happens when the weather turns
warmer, and people begin going outside again. S.A.D. can perhaps explain
some of the issues with spring hormones, but what about the millions of others
that do not experience depression during the colder and darker months? It seems
ripe for speculation, which I will do here. Sex and attraction are highly visual.
When warmer weather arrives, people begin going outside, after spending most of
the winter months couped up inside watching TV and seeing their skin turn pale.
Once the holidays are over, many people start dieting, and exercising more to
be ready for the warmer months. Spring clothes begin appearing in stores, and
people want to look good. Some of us start tanning at the salons, and spend longer
hours in the gym. Then, all of a sudden, a warm weekend arrives, and we are thankful
that we at least started to work on our appearance before the weather turned.
For us gals, we see guys wearing less clothing, where their muscles are finally
seen again. And the guys are doing manly things, like sports and working on cars
or other physical projects. For guys, they begin seeing women walking around,
and the women are wearing less and less clothing. Skin begins to appear, followed
by the same Daisy Dukes that I am about to test in a few hours! And seeing this
after a winter of gloom and doom makes us think about sex. There are also
media driven reasons to associate sex with spring. How many of you have ever gone
on a spring break vacation? I have. It’s all about drinking, partying, and
sex. Watch MTV, or any news show, and you’ll undoubtedly see reports from
spring break locations. And how about those "Girls Gone Wild" videos
from spring breaks around the country? Anyway, my faithful guy and gal readers,
there you have it. If you felt hornier this weekend, you are normal. You do not
suffer from any chemical imbalance, nor do you have any kind of sexual addiction
or affliction that needs help. Like me, you simply need to have sex. You have
been couped up too long, and spring brings a new awakening. Have some great
sex, and I’ll try to do the same! By Jenn Even
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